Rationale
Reviewing and evaluating documentation tests a student’s ability to assess information, critically evaluate its content, formulate observationsand provide communication solutions to address any perceived issues or problems.
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Students will be required review examples of two (2) poorly written business documents; a newsletter and a business letter. Students are required to provide written commentary and observation on the terminology, wording and phrasing of these documents.
Students will then be required to edit and rewrite these documents using language and phrasing they believe more effective and appropriate.
Students are required to enter their name and student number above and submit through the Assessment 2 Study Smart submission point.
The following elements will be assessed in this submission:
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Criteria
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Marks
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Accuracy Of Observations And Comments
Very high level of accuracy of observations and comments on language and grammar in both documents.
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5 marks
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Applicability Of Observations And Comments
Very high level of applicability of observations and comments on language and grammar in both documents.
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5 marks
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Clarity and Viability
Very high level of clarity and viability of the re-written documents and retention of the original ‘message’s’ intent.
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5 marks
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Review the following communication and provide written commentary and observation on the terminology, wording and phrasing used in it.Use theObservation/Comment table on the next page to write down and comment on any ambiguous terms, inappropriate words and examples of poor phrasing you can find in the text below.
Each sentence is numbered to help you list every language and grammar point you find.
(1) Following the recent appraisals undertaken by XYZ, the management has accepted the need for implementing greater group integration within the Acme companies. (2) In order for the group to present a common image, it must show a consistent level of performance across all operating units, particularly in terms of marketing and sales skills. (3) To obtain this, the board has accepted that central management must play a greater part in directing each company’s activities, although it is recognised that the autonomy of each company must be retained. (4) It is also accepted that significant sales increases can be achieved in the short-term by improving the overall group standard of sales management and control. (5) The sales control system should take into account the need for simplicity thereby maximising real selling time (6) the role of individual sales management will be to evaluate their respective sales operations, constantly and critically. (7) From this study the most appropriate system will be selected and then adapted to incorporate the specific operational characteristics of the Acme Group.
(8) As the system evolves, it will be corroborated by referring back to the individual companies in order to ensure comparability with national requirements.
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Sentence
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Acme Company Group Newsletter
Observations/Commentson Language and Grammar
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1
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Example Comments:
‘Appraisal’ of what? ; ‘Management’ of what?
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2
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Example Comments:
‘In order for’ is clumsy and not plain English – just use ‘For’.
The use of comma must be used in this sentence.
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3
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Instead of using the term “to obtain this”, it would have been better if the term “to achieve this” should have been used instead. Instead of using the word “recognized” the term “recommended” should instead be used.
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4
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The term “also accepted” does not fit in well, instead, the term, “it was ascertained” should have been used instead.
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5
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A hyphen needs to be used in “real selling” time to make it real-selling time. A comma should also be used after the word simplicity.
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6
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A sentence should start with a capital letter. A comma needs to be removed between the words “operations constantly” because it is not required at all.
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7
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A comma should be used between the words “this study” in order for the sentence to make sense.
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8
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“Integrated” should replace the word “corroborated” in the sentence for it to become more sensible. Instead of the word “comparability”, the word “compatibility” should instead be used.
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Reflecting on your observations and comments on terminology, wordings, and phrasing in the Acme Company Group newsletter, use the space below to re-write the newsletter using language and phrasing you believe is more effective and appropriate.
Based on the performance appraisals that were carried out by XYZ, the company’s top management has finally seen need for the implementation of broader group integration in the Acme group of companies. It was realized that there was great need for the group to have a common image and this could only be achieved through showing consistent levels of performance in all their operating units especially those that pertains marketing and the sales skills. In order to achieve this, the board is in agreement that central management of the company must play a significant role in ensuring that the company’s activities are well implemented while ensuring that there is autonomy in all the units. It was also realized that an increase in sales could be achieved through enhancement of standards for the Sales management and control.
In order to ensure realization of real selling time, it is important for the whole of the sales control team to ensure that they take into consideration the need for simplicity. On the other hand, it is the responsibility of the individual sales teams to ensure that there is effective, constant, and critical evaluation of their respective sales. Based on this study, it is ascertained that the most effective system will be chosen then integrated into the specific operational features of the Acme group of companies so as to ensure that they are all compatible with the national specifications.
Review the following letter and provide written commentary and observation on the terminology, wording and phrasing used in it. Use the Observation/Comment table on the next page to write down and comment on any inappropriate terms, phrasing or words in the letter below.
(1)You wrote to us recently regarding a complaint you had with Blue Sky Airlines. Allegedly, you purchased a ticket from the Travelocity online ticket service for your 19-year-old son to travel from Chicago to Miami on October 12. When you arrived at O’Hare airport inChicago on October 12, you were informed that Blue Sky Airlines charges a $35 fee (each way) to deal with minors traveling alone. You were told that your son could not be approved for boarding unless you paid the fee, which you did pay. In your letter, you requested a refund of this fee—in your case, a total of $70.
(2)If you had read the special information attached to your ticket order, you would have seen our policy clearly stated within: Blue Sky Airlines charges a fee of $35 each way for the cost of attending to unattended minors. Thus, according to these terms, we are not obligated to refund your fee and will not do so. However, we are sending you (enclosed) a $35 coupon which you may apply to your next Blue Sky Airlines ticket purchase.
(3)In the future, I suggest that you carefully read all the provisions and conditions of airline tickets you purchase. This way you will avoid unpleasant surprises.
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Paragraph
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Blue Sky Airlines Letter
Observations/Comments on Language and Grammar
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1
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A minor is regarded as an individual who is below the age of 18 years. It therefore defeats logic in this paragraph to ascertain how someone with 19 years is regarded as being a minor. There is also need to use spacing between in and Chicago. Instead of using alleged, the term claimed could be better used. Use of “the” before the word Travelocity was not relevant. The money to be refunded is also $35 instead of $70.
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2
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Instead of using the words “if you had read”, it would be better to use the words “in case you read. Instead of “you would have seen”, the words “you would have realized” could have been better be used “to this case”. Instead of terms, the words in this case could have better been used.
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3
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The word “the” should be removed so that the sentence reads “In future”. Yours should come before Sincerely and there should be spacing between the names of the client Services Representative.
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Reflecting on the letter and the questions below do you think it is effectively written?
The letter is not actually effectively written because it has some errors.
In regards to some measures of effectiveness, the letter is well written, clear, articulate, well organized andgrammatically correct.
However, is this letter likely to achieve its goals?
It cannot effectively achieve the goals because it gives contradicting statements.
What should those goals be?
It should indicate that the company has decided to refund the money though it will not do so again if the incident recurs.
What would be your reaction to receiving this letter?
I would be surprised that I had not read the company policy before transacting.
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