Personal Essay on Grief and Loss

When I hear the police sirens, you are the first person that comes to my mind. When I call someone and their phone goes straight to voicemail, I remember you. When I see policemen, I see the officers who brought the awful news to me on that day. When the door bell rings, I get a cold chill running down my spine. I remember how it rang on the day that news came that you had been brutally murdered. Sometimes, I open the door hoping you might show up. It’s an illusion now. You are somewhere I can’t reach you no matter how much I soar. The only thing left is for me to hold onto the beautiful memories we shared together for the short time we had. This world is so cruel or maybe death is crueler. Maybe no of them is cruel. It’s just the way life is. God always take the best.

Do you know that I can hear you calling out for me? Confessing how much you love me and that our love is forever and ever; until death does us apart! I can still hear that song you know? The song that was playing when I heard the door bell ring; right before they told me that you were no more in this world. It was Ed Sheeran dedication to her grandmother.

 She narrates how she was an angel like her mother and I can only imagine you as my angel in your own way. I can hear your voice telling me to spread my wings so that you can take me with you. It’s not yet my time to come to you but I understand that you are already home.

Why did people not see that I was suffering? They all thought I was mourning but I was broken up inside. Barthes once said that mourning was so psychoanalytic (2010). I guess no one understood him as you only feel the loss of a person you loved alone. Neither family nor friends have the answers as to why things happen that way sometimes.

When I go to bed, I can’t sleep. I feel lonely. The bed was supposed to be our bed but not mine alone. How am I going to fall asleep alone? You know that your bed became mine (Plante, 2009) but still you had to leave it with me alone. I felt as if my world was being torn into pieces that could never be put back together again.

As I roll up and above the bed, I felt the cruelty of death inside me. It is so horrible. As Vickers explains that even though death is outside life, it transforms life but emptiness is left that those who are left try to repair (2013). Although to me, I could not imagine how such a scar could be healed by anything.

I dream about you every time I sleep. Sometimes I even see ourselves lying there on the ground, the grass is so green and our lobes are pure white then I hear your voice singing to me. This song we loved so much: In the Philippines’ TV drama; your love to me was shinning like the sun and my world was lit by it. I no longer felt cold because of that love. It flowed down my veins just like the river flows downwards.

Narrative of a Brutal Murder and Coping with the Aftermath

You were my voice, language.  In short, you were my everything. It’s you who gave me a reason to sit down and talk with other people. I had everything to say because of you. You were my mix tape (Barber, 2007). Your love was my everything and that’s why your death made me feel that I lost everything I had in this world.

Why did God let an innocent soul like yours be killed? How can I ever be happy again after losing the one person I loved and treasured most in this world? (Whiston, 2014). It is forever going to be impossible. You would have come back for me. We should have taken that journey together. Both of us holding hands and laughing. It would have been easier for both of us.

Some people believe that when a person dies, he goes to place better than in this world. He goes to rest; others say that those who believe in God go to be with the angels. When you lose someone you love, a part of you goes with him. I felt this pain when I lost you; a part of me left with him that night when he died. I hope that the other half that left with him is happy because its hell on earth living without him. Anyway what can I say? I just wonder like Kenney how you would have turned to be like. You were too young to die. Our love story was just beginning but you had to leave me early. I miss you so much and only God can understand how much it is.

Music was the only motivation I had left after your death. I would listen to all the old cassettes that we were used to listen to together. One of the songs that give me hope to recover somehow is Dani and Lizzy that had once gone viral after they lost their fiend. I feel like giving up, my strength is worn out and I want to be with you already.

Death is cruel as it takes away the best. It brings pain and suffering. Your death has brought me a lot of grief. It left a hole inside that cannot be filled by nothing or no one. Sometimes when I remember how you died, I feel like someone is putting a knife inside my heart and twisting it in all direction.

Tears have been my daily meal since you left me; my throat is so heavy from crying for you to come back. I can never come into terms with your disappearance. I feel that you are watching over me from wherever you are but it’s still not enough. This grief is so much for me to bear. I am lost without you. I am wandering in the desert as I can’t find my back to where am supposed to be.  

Since now I have realized that I will be the one to come to you, I must go and fulfill our dreams first. I got strength to make way through grief, to grab hold of life and let it pull me forward. I have to be strong for the little you that you left inside me. Maybe that’s why you did not want me to go with you. I know I will be able to do it even though am hurting as you are always watching over us from above. I won’t forget to find justice to those who made us go separate ways.

God always takes the best for Himself. I guess you were God’s chosen. He did not want you to suffer the ruthless of this world anymore so He chose you. I can’t help but wonder if I am a bad person and that’s why He left me behind. It’s been hell here on earth without. The days are long without you. You were my best friend. I hope to be re-united with you soon so that I can tell you about it. We had gone a long way but you did not make it to the finishing line. Goodbye.

References

Barber, E. (2007). Love Is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time. The Virginia Quarterly Review, 83(2), 300.

Barthes, R. (2010). Mourning diary. Hill and Wang. 

Dani and Lizzy – Dancing in the sky. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNoLJy68ZcE

Ed Sheeran – Supermarket Flowers [Official Audio]. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIB8EWqCPrQ

Kenny Chesney Who You’d Be Today lyrics. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLvFzLlQ3Js

Plante, D. (2009). The pure lover: A memoir of grief. Beacon Press.

Vickers, S. (2013). Miss Garnet’s Angel: A Novel. Penguin.

Whiston-Donaldson, A. (2014). Rare Bird: A Memoir of Loss and Love. Convergent Books.

Wiz Khalifa – See You Again ft. Charlie Puth [Official Video] Furious 7 Soundtrack. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgKAFK5djSk

Your Love – Juris Fernandez (Dolce Amore OST) LYRICS. (2018). Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a42HLdKRPCk